The Reason

God has been speaking to me about many things. I wish I had the time to write them all down for you but I don’t so I will focus on one thing that I have been learning. I’m going to do something that I normally don’t do. I’m going to let you in my journal, but before I write my journal entry for you I want to first briefly explain what God is doing in Massai land at the school.

God is moving on the hearts of these children. I’m seeing children who were very quiet in class when I started now yell and shout out answers like no ones business. I’m given the opportunity to encourage these children and tell them they can make it and that they are smart! Not only are they growing by God’s grace in understanding in an educational sense but they are also retaining more of who God is. I can’t fully explain it or even put words to it but I can see the glimmer of hope in their eyes grow every time I look at them. I see God doing something; I’m just not sure what it is. Whatever He is planning it’s great and amazing!

There are times when I get discouraged and my heart breaks. Like when we have to take someone to the Hospital because a girl was raped and now is near death trying to give birth, or when I hear about a child being beaten because he wants to go to school.  But I am continuing to hold on to hope that God is here and He is bigger.

Now back to my journal entry, here goes nothin.

Feb. 25, 2012

I could be home right now. I’m really struggling. I have hit the six month mark and it is nearly unbearable. I feel so alone and deeply discouraged. So much is packed in to that statement that I don’t have time to talk about. Everything, culture, missing home, conflicts, the feeling of inadequacy, realizing I can’t make a difference as I can at home, and being completely alone. So much is packed in to all of this as I said but that is not what I want to focus on.

I was having my quiet time and literally crying to God. I started playing my guitar and worshiping because I know the power of worship and the power of refocusing your focus on God. I started improvising and singing what was on my heart. I said “you are the reason I’m alive, you’re the reason that I sing, you’re the reason why I’m here.” I stopped and started praying the God would cause these truths to become more real to me. Then it dawned on me.

I’m not here because of people, I’m not here because of ministries, I’m not here to help or meet a need, and I’m not here to see change, or save people. I’m here because of God. I’m here because He is here. I’m here to find and be with the person of God. I’m here to bring the person of God to people. Not in a common way to the culture. Not by preaching or teaching, house to house evangelism or crusades.  I’m here to bring the person of God in an unique way. What a better way to bring the person of God in a different way than through a different and unique person.

I’m here to bring the person of Jesus through my hugs, through affirmation, through encouragement, through serving. I’m here to bring the person of Jesus to those who don’t know Him AND to those who do.

I pray that I will be ok with never seeing change. I’m not here to see change, although I want to. I pray that I will be ok with not seeing change but instead being ok with just bringing the person of Jesus in a different way.

What an honor to work with God in the smallest ways. That He would see me and pick me to work with Him by bringing Him here in a different and unique way. Thank you Lord!

This is worth it! He is worth it! All that I’m going through, all that I’m struggling with is worth it. To be with the person of God and to and bring the person of God, this is worth it!

I hope this encourages you to refocus your heart and focus on God and do your ministry with Him as the fore front of your life. He is the reason, let’s live that way.

Life in Africa

A lot has happened this month but I will try to keep things short and to the point.  I am now living on the base in Engakaret  Monday through Friday and in Arusha  Saturday and Sunday. While in Massi Land I am teaching. There are four classes going on every day, class A, class B, class C, and Primary one. Class A B and C are similar to preschool advanced preschool and kinder garden, where as Primary one is equivalent to first grade.  The school is now an English medium school, meaning we are to be teaching all in English.  As you can imagine this creates a bit of a challenge when it comes to teaching. Most if not all of the kids can’t read or write. This is also a challenge, in order for kids to be able to advance in school they need to pass written tests.  If the student is unable to express his or her knowledge in the form of a written test then they will not be able to continue in their education.  For the Massi this means they will be forced to go back and take care of cattle or be sold as young brides.

I am teaching English, writing, art, and sports for class C. My goal is to prepare and equip these kids to be successful as they enter in to Primary one. My prayer is that God will open their minds enabling them to quickly and effectively learn in order that they may be successful from Primary one up till they graduate form four, which is equivalent to High School. I also hope and pray that God will give me opportunities to be more than a malimu (teacher). I desire to plant seeds and to direct their hearts to the Father by loving them in and out of the class room.

Please keep praying for my health. God is faithful and is holding me, but there is a lot of dust in Massi Land and it can easily affect my breathing.  Also please pray for rain! There are people who have expressed that they plan on moving if the rain doesn’t come by April. This may sound like a ways away however April will come faster than we know it. Not to mention there is very little water right now.  There are to many cattle and people for the little water that is left. Please pray for God’s blessings to come in the form of rain. Also pray that I am able to teach effectively and don’t miss the opportunities God is giving me to reach out in love to these kids. And finally pray that God opens the hearts as well as the minds of these children in order that they may learn and retain everything being taught. Thank you so much for your faithful support, and holding me up in your prayers!

The Next Step

I want to take this time to update you on the next stage of ministry I’ll be entering as of next week. Originally I was planning on living in the Tumaini Home as a mother/aunt figure.  However I feel God leading me in a slightly different direction. I will still fulfill the call to be a mother to the motherless no mater where I go. With this said, I will be helping teach in Massi Land.

The last few weeks of outreach I was feeling this restlessness and lack of peace about staying in the Tumaini Home. I couldn’t explain it so I started praying. I asked God “where is my fit? Where do you want me to be?” I didn’t want to be apart of a ministry because I liked it, it’s expanding God’s Kingdom, and they need help. I wanted to be apart of the ministry because God appointed me there. God reminded me of the beginning, before I came to Africa. He told me that I’m to stay longer to help teach in Massi Land. As I got to Africa I realized my focus was beginning to shift from the here and now to the future. I was trying to get through DTS so I could teach. I didn’t want to miss what God had for me by being focused on the future, so I prayed that God would help me to focus on what He has for me now. Shortly after I felt God answer my prayer by lifting his hand off the call to teach. As he did this, my desire and focus became DTS. He then started to unfold many layers in my life. Layers of hurt, bitterness, unforgivingness, pride. As my roots grew deeper in the truth of who God is and walked in the freedom that He had for me, I was able to see in a new light how He wired me. My eyes were opened to see the gifts and talents that God has placed in me and for the first time I truly admired His creation and was thankful for the way He made me. I could see how the call to be a mother to the motherless and a mother to many nations could come together. I received hope that someday I God would lead me to find my fit in His master plan, just as a puzzle piece fits together to make a masterpiece.

I feel like God has confirmed His desire for me to teach in Massi Land. Not only do I feel peace about it but He also has answered my prayer. I asked Him to speak to me in a way that He never dose so that I may know for sure what I am to do. He then put the put it on a leader’s heart that I was to stay in Massi Land. This leader is not one to speak out “Thus says the Lord” sayings, nor is she one to be pushy. In fact when I spoke with her before outreach she was very supportive of any decision I was to make in regards to ministry, and was praying with me as I was on outreach. God never speaks to me through others in this kind of manor. With this said, I will be helping teach in Massi Land.

I will be in Massi Land Monday through Friday and then back on the base Saturday and Sunday. It is not certain what I will be helping to teach. They just opened a new Primary School so I will more than likely be helping kids who are in first or second grade. There is also a preschool that I may be helping in. I will give you further details as time goes on. My monthly budget will still be the same seeing as how I was planning on paying for trips out to Massi Land.  Please keep my health in your prayers as well as finances. There is a lot of dust where I will be going and that is one thing that causes breathing to act up. I believe God will help me and Lord willing heal me completely! I also still only have half of my monthly budget covered. Thank you all again for your prayers and support! I truly feel blessed! 

Outreach

Wow so it has been a while. :) I came back from outreach on Monday Jan 16, 2012. It was five weeks of intense ministry, and I’m thankful for every minute of it.  There were several challenges but God was faithful and watched over His word making sure it was fulfilled. For those of you who were praying, especially for my health, thank you so much! Although my health was a challenge God still moved and was glorified.

I felt the call to hold my team up in prayer.  I made a commitment to pray every time I was sick and couldn’t do anything, as well as praying with a group of two every other day or so. Needless to say I did a lot of praying. I have grown so much in prayer and I’m learning how God speaks to me and how He opens my eyes to see what is going on in the spiritual realm. I believe that because of our prayers my team and I were able to make it through five intense weeks of ministry. 

The biggest thing I learned on outreach was how to allow a huge biblical truth to become a part of who I am not just a truth in my heart.  This truth I am speaking of is the hard revelation of dying to self and continually laying down my rights. I learned how to lay down my rights not for others but for myself. I didn’t want self or my rights getting in the way of my relationship with God. I quickly learned that if I don’t lay down my rights on a continual base then frustration and bitterness will get in the way of my relationship with God.  If my heart isn’t right before God then I’m no better off than the person doing harm to me.  If I don’t lay my rights down and die to self, my heart quickly enters a state in which it is not right before God.  I have learned to keep my focus on Jesus regardless of the circumstances around me, not to say I’m a master of this. These are truths that I have known for years but they were not a part of who I was. In order for these truths, witch are worth more than gold, to become ingrained in to who I am I first had to be crucified. I had to truly die, not physically of cores. I had to go through a hard time that gave me opportunity after opportunity to lay down my rights and force me to focus on God and Him alone. I’m so glad and thankful that God was with me through this outreach and allowed me to go through a hard time, because I am a different person now.

My team went to a total of five churches. Each place had its own problems and spiritual ware fare. The one thing they all had in common were Muslims’. This made it really difficult sometimes to do ministry. I have realized the importance of learning about other religions. This would have helped me understand where the people, whom I’m loving are coming from.  If I would have done more research about their religion I feel like I would have been more equipped to answer their questions in love. I know that it is not by might nor by power but by the Spirit of the Lord that hearts are moved and changed, however I feel like I could have been more effective in my part with God if I had a little more knowledge. My prayer is that God rises up an army of people who are equipped to reach these people.  In some places there was a strong sense of religiousness. In others there was a sense of misuse of authority and power. There were times when I felt like I walked in to a place where people were racing to climb to the top of a latter. Still in other places I felt like there was a strong spirit of death hovering and controlling the people in the land. These are only a few things that I felt and observed while praying and doing ministry. 

I was given three opportunities to preach and loved each moment of it.  The last time I preached, I became sick about 15 min. before I was to speak. My chest started tightening up and my voice was nearly gone.  I was preaching about the depth of salvation. In the middle of talking about healing both my chest and voice came back to normal. God is creative and uses anything to get his loving point across. Praise the Lord! Every time I was given this privilege God was faithful to move on the hearts of people. To God be the glory! We did a lot of door to door ministry, seminars, and landscaping. We also helped in the Hospital a few times and tried to work in the community as much as possible.

My most memorable moment of this experience was when I went door to door. As we were walking down the street I saw this group of kids and went over to talk to them. I asked them their names and what their favorite color was. They then asked what my favorite color was as they giggled in a nervous manor. There was a small baby that started crying. One of the kids picked him up then looked at me, looked back at the baby and placed him in my arms.  I calmed the child down, and the next thing I knew he is looking at me with his gorgeous eyes. He got the biggest smile on his face and started laughing. This was the first baby not to cry when I came close to him. This was definitely the highlight of the trip.

Thank you again for all your prayers and support! It wouldn’t be possible for me to be here, serving the Lord in this way if it weren’t for you! Thank you for partnering with me and expanding God’s Kingdom.

Learn to Number Your Days

Three days ago, on a Friday afternoon for an unknown reason I started having an asthma attack.  I took my inhaler and thought I would be better but I wasn’t.  I went up in to my room with promotion from one of my leaders, it was work duty time at this point, thinking if I lay down I will be able to catch my breath. I soon realized this wasn’t working, instead I was getting worse. So I prayed that God would send someone to help me.  Just then one of my roommates came in the room. To make a long story short, Kylie came in the room and together with a few staff members we went to the hospital. When I was there I was given medicine for Bronchitis and a shot in the butt. Lol let me tell you, it was the longest and biggest needle I have ever seen.

I don’t want to scare anyone, but I wanted to let you all know and thank you for your prayers. When I was in the car on the way to the hospital I felt like I was really close to death, so I started to pray for the people close to my heart.  I felt the presence of God in a way I never have before, it was so pure and sweet. There was no struggle to be in His presence and I started talking with God. “God you have saved my life once like this before, please spare it again.” “Are you sure you want me to spare your life, it would mean more suffering for you? Would you like to stay or be here with me?” This was a hard question because I didn’t want to leave His presence, but something within me still wanted to love and I felt like I wasn’t done loving. I then asked “God if I chose to stay would I be loving you less?” I felt as though He was smiling and then He replied “No, because I will be with you and you will be loving my people.” I then said “Ok, then I chose to stay but before you give me my strength back can I dance with you?”  The next thing I knew I was dancing with my Creator, with my Father, my God. What a privilege and an amazing blessing it was! Words don’t begin to describe that moment with my Lord. I can’t wait until the day where I see Him face to face so that I can once again dance with God. The next thing I remember was Kylie telling me “We are here, are you ready Karissa?” She was speaking of the Hospital, and at that moment I was ready because I knew that God was with me. I feel so blessed to have this moment with God. To love with Him is the reason why I am here.

The Cost of Truly Living

Tonight in class we were talking about the cost of true discipleship.  Wow God has rocked my world once more. J We were talking about laying down your rights. It is the very thing God has been teaching me lately.  If I don’t lay down my rights and pick up my cross then how will I see God, and how will I show Him to this world who needs Him? I want to know my God and the first step in doing that is to follow Him (to die to myself). God has spoken to me about a few things that must die and I would like to share them with you, first, my family. It is really hard for me to come to grip with the fact that I won’t see my awesome brother David graduate High School nor will I be able to celebrate and tell him how proud of him I am.  It is hard for me to know that I may never be home again there to encourage, pray for, challenge, and play with my other amazing brother Daniel. It hard knowing that I won’t see my dear sister, whom I miss so much, for a long time maybe even a life time if God calls me to. Kristen if you are reading this, I looked at the moon tonight and remembered our conversations when I was in TX and how we use to talk on the phone and look at the moon together. I miss you sis! It is hard for me to give up the privilege of seeing my mom and dad so happy and living a life of love together.  I look at my cousins and see how they have the great blessing of raising their kids together and having their children know their grandparents, and then I remember that God is calling me to lay that down at His feet, to die to my rights. I’m not saying that God won’t ever give these things back to me but I need to lay them down regardless.  I can’t love my family more than God, I love my family so much but God still must come first.

Second, friends, not just people that are nice to you or make you smile and feel good but real deep friends. May I use the word best friend?  Those who know you so well they can finish your sentences, those who you tell everything to, who get you.   I have lived about 20 years without a best friend my cousins were my friends, and for that I am blessed.  However It is different to have a good close friend, one who is like a sister to you. God has blessed me with this gift, a rare and beautiful blessing. I have a kindred spirit for a friend and she is her with me in Africa. I know that I can’t hold on to her but I must let her go in to God’s hands. I need to be willing to live a lonely but fulfilled life with Jesus where ever He might take me.   

The right of being understood and the right of Nationality, these are things I must lay down. It is hard living in another country, everything that has to do with anything is different and you’re often misunderstood.  It is hard to explain unless you have lived in a different country for some time. I have always felt like I would move and do missions in another country, but I wasn’t ready to live a life time in one until tonight. God asked me “If I ask you to stay here and never return, are you ready?” I realized at that moment that as much as I love it here and am excited to stay for another six months, I was still holding on with the hope of going back home.  I can’t let being understood and living in my own country keep me from seeing God and doing His will.

A title or name for myself, a reputation, these are things that must die as I pick up my cross.  I have wanted for so long to go to school because I felt like I should, that is the next thing everyone does. I didn’t want to look foolish to others. I wanted to feel like I was smart and could do something. But all these things are a smoke screen covering the heart behind it all. All of these reasons boil down to one thing, feeling inadequate and not trusting God that He has created me wonderful the way He wants. Don’t hear me saying education is wrong or bad. I’m saying that for me, I wanted an education out of insecurity and lack of trust in God rather than allowing God to lead me. I must put my reputation at the feet of Jesus and be willing to look foolish to the world or even those close to me, in order to follow God’s leading. He must be number one not me.

Lastly, my life. Am I ready to die for my faith? The life I’m called to is not exactly the safest one.  When put in the face of death will I chose my God or my life? Will I say “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” I hope that if or when the time comes God will give me the grace to stand with Him and die. If He be God and died for me, how much more should I be ready? Again I’m not saying I will die but I’m saying my life must be put in God’s hands.  I can’t worry about my family or those I’m leaving behind. I must trust in God that He will continue to hold them and carry them through.  

Tonight I put all of these things on paper and burnt them at the foot of the cross. As I watched that paper burn I felt strange. I was crying because it hurt to die to myself, more painful than words can express.  But I was also crying because a freedom and joy started to take over. It is true, for the joy set before me I will endure my cross just as Jesus did. Thank you God for giving me this opportunity to die to myself, now give me the grace and courage to die every day from this day forward.

The Next Stepping Stone

So I have been praying a lot and am still in a state of prayer as I am about to walk in to the next season of my live in merely 7 weeks. I feel God leading me to take a step of faith and stay here until July or mid Aug.

While I am here I hope to help in a class room in Massai Land as well as helping in a children’s home called the Tumaini home (hope home). This ministry is ran with a couple who recently had their first beautiful baby girl, they are known as the house parents (the kids call them aunt and uncle.)  Then there are also 4 others who are looked as big brothers and sisters.  While I am here I would be like another mom or big sister to these kids. These kids are amazing! At around four every day the family comes together to do house hold chores. There is one kid named Jackson who asks at least four times to clean the bathroom, it is his favorite job. I have so much to learn about love and servant hood from these kids.  It brings so much joy to my heart as I walk around the base and hear “Karissa, Karissa” as I turn around to see these amazing kids with big smiles on their faces.

I love this ministry because this is not an orphanage but a family. The leaders never want it to become like an orphanage but to always remain a family, which is why the need for staff is so great. Right now we have five kids living in the house but there are so many more that need to be loved. Our hearts desire is to add to our family but as I said this requires more staff.

I feel so blessed that God would lead me to this ministry. My entire life I have wondered, how am I going to be a mother in a different Country? I have always felt God calling me to be a mother to the motherless and have often wondered how everything will work out. I feel like God is finally putting the pieces together and setting the stage for what I could see being my life time ministry.

How can you be praying? I’m glad you asked (hehehe). Please be praying first that God would be continuing to lead me in everything that I do and that I would abide in Him at all times.  Secondly, this is all going to take money, please pray for provision (see chart below). Finally, please be praying that God protects me. I need God to protect my health, emotions, spirit, and body as I continue to fight this good fight.

Monthly budget of $300.00/month
Rent (to live in this home)	$150.00
Food, Emergency fund, Blessing money	$50.00
Travel	$48.00
Offering	$24.00
Drinking water	$18.00
Internet	$10.00
Total	$300.00
Cost of changing plain ticket	$200.00
Subtotal for six months	300x6+200=$2,000.00

Thank you so much for all your prayers and support!!!  God has been teaching me so much and none of this would be possible if I didn’t have the love and support from you. May God bless you as He has me, in order that we might be a blessing.