Tonight in class we were talking about the cost of true discipleship. Wow God has rocked my world once more. J We were talking about laying down your rights. It is the very thing God has been teaching me lately. If I don’t lay down my rights and pick up my cross then how will I see God, and how will I show Him to this world who needs Him? I want to know my God and the first step in doing that is to follow Him (to die to myself). God has spoken to me about a few things that must die and I would like to share them with you, first, my family. It is really hard for me to come to grip with the fact that I won’t see my awesome brother David graduate High School nor will I be able to celebrate and tell him how proud of him I am. It is hard for me to know that I may never be home again there to encourage, pray for, challenge, and play with my other amazing brother Daniel. It hard knowing that I won’t see my dear sister, whom I miss so much, for a long time maybe even a life time if God calls me to. Kristen if you are reading this, I looked at the moon tonight and remembered our conversations when I was in TX and how we use to talk on the phone and look at the moon together. I miss you sis! It is hard for me to give up the privilege of seeing my mom and dad so happy and living a life of love together. I look at my cousins and see how they have the great blessing of raising their kids together and having their children know their grandparents, and then I remember that God is calling me to lay that down at His feet, to die to my rights. I’m not saying that God won’t ever give these things back to me but I need to lay them down regardless. I can’t love my family more than God, I love my family so much but God still must come first.
Second, friends, not just people that are nice to you or make you smile and feel good but real deep friends. May I use the word best friend? Those who know you so well they can finish your sentences, those who you tell everything to, who get you. I have lived about 20 years without a best friend my cousins were my friends, and for that I am blessed. However It is different to have a good close friend, one who is like a sister to you. God has blessed me with this gift, a rare and beautiful blessing. I have a kindred spirit for a friend and she is her with me in Africa. I know that I can’t hold on to her but I must let her go in to God’s hands. I need to be willing to live a lonely but fulfilled life with Jesus where ever He might take me.
The right of being understood and the right of Nationality, these are things I must lay down. It is hard living in another country, everything that has to do with anything is different and you’re often misunderstood. It is hard to explain unless you have lived in a different country for some time. I have always felt like I would move and do missions in another country, but I wasn’t ready to live a life time in one until tonight. God asked me “If I ask you to stay here and never return, are you ready?” I realized at that moment that as much as I love it here and am excited to stay for another six months, I was still holding on with the hope of going back home. I can’t let being understood and living in my own country keep me from seeing God and doing His will.
A title or name for myself, a reputation, these are things that must die as I pick up my cross. I have wanted for so long to go to school because I felt like I should, that is the next thing everyone does. I didn’t want to look foolish to others. I wanted to feel like I was smart and could do something. But all these things are a smoke screen covering the heart behind it all. All of these reasons boil down to one thing, feeling inadequate and not trusting God that He has created me wonderful the way He wants. Don’t hear me saying education is wrong or bad. I’m saying that for me, I wanted an education out of insecurity and lack of trust in God rather than allowing God to lead me. I must put my reputation at the feet of Jesus and be willing to look foolish to the world or even those close to me, in order to follow God’s leading. He must be number one not me.
Lastly, my life. Am I ready to die for my faith? The life I’m called to is not exactly the safest one. When put in the face of death will I chose my God or my life? Will I say “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” I hope that if or when the time comes God will give me the grace to stand with Him and die. If He be God and died for me, how much more should I be ready? Again I’m not saying I will die but I’m saying my life must be put in God’s hands. I can’t worry about my family or those I’m leaving behind. I must trust in God that He will continue to hold them and carry them through.
Tonight I put all of these things on paper and burnt them at the foot of the cross. As I watched that paper burn I felt strange. I was crying because it hurt to die to myself, more painful than words can express. But I was also crying because a freedom and joy started to take over. It is true, for the joy set before me I will endure my cross just as Jesus did. Thank you God for giving me this opportunity to die to myself, now give me the grace and courage to die every day from this day forward.
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