Heart Check

It's so hard to post anything on this blog anymore because I'm constantly reminded of were I so desperately want to be, but there is something on my heart that Ive been thinking about this week and I have to share it.

Everyone lives with preconceived ideas. Before we ever do anything there is always an idea of how things will pan out. Not only in situations do we have preconceived notions but also towards people, it is why stereotypes are so common.

This was one thing that was very hard while in Africa. I had to fight against my own preconceived ideas towards others and was constantly fighting against others ideas of me.  I loved being in Africa and I absolutely love the people, which is why I so desperately want to go back! However I very rarely felt as though people saw Karissa. There was no escaping the fact that I was white and had more money than most, although there were times when I had no money at all. Because of this I found that there were few people who truly befriended me for me not for what they thought I had. 

I had to learn how to love regardless and how to live life as Karissa without any other labels or titles.  I thought coming back to America I wouldn’t struggle with this anymore. No more fighting against preconceived ideas from others, but I was wrong.

I was at the college putting up posters for a Christmas event and strangely felt uncomfortable because many people were watching me. For some reason I didn’t want to be associated with this event, in fact I didn’t want to be associated with the “Christian” circle at all. I had never thought nor felt this way before. I walked away ashamed and started praying. “God I have never been ashamed of you nor am I now, I’m so sorry for having those thoughts. What is going on?” In His grace and mercy I realized that it wasn’t Him I was ashamed of but the thoughts of others towards me. The fact that so many people have preconceived ideas of what a Christian is and that I don’t want to be a part of. I’m me not what others may think I am because of my title.

Just as I couldn’t change the fact that my skin was white while in Africa I can’t, nor will I, change the fact that I’m in love with Jesus and spiritually white.   I fought against preconceived ideas of who I was in Africa and so I will here. It never got easy to walk against the current of deep rooted world views and ideas of who I was and I won’t be easy here. But I know that just as God gave me grace and strength to keep walking against the current and love as He loves there, so He will here in America.

It makes me wonder how God feels when those whom He created with such joy and love have preconceived ideas of Him. When we go to Him because we see a Santa with a big round belly who will give us whatever we ask for. Or when we don’t approach Him because we understand Him to be this powerful being that is waiting to pounce, or this distant being who doesn’t really care.  How we must grieve His heart and Spirit when we forget about Him and are afraid to come. Do we treat Him with such little respect and love as to go on with our day without even saying hi or good morning? How is it that we can forget Him? Wow He is so patient with us, that we would have so many deep rooted world views and ideas of who He is that are so false.  It is because of those ideas that we treat Him with such cruelty. No longer do I have anything to complain about when others don’t see Karissa, when so often Karissa doesn’t see God.