What Is Most Important

I’m so humbled, His astoundingly rich presence that is mixed with such a deep soft love.  His presence that is completely indescribable is the very thing that satisfies the deepest darkest parts of my being. It heals and mends parts of me that I didn’t even know were wounded. His hands reach to the depths past the safe guards that no man is able to pass. Only In His presence overtaken by His love am I able to let the guard down just long enough for His amazing hand to reach to the deepest part of my being. In His meek love He pulls me to Himself, to the deepest parts of His being.

This is what He does for someone like me. One who has forgotten her first love, one who has prostituted her heart? I have let pride grow so big that it clouded my vision. I thought I was loving God and seeking His kingdom but really I was loving myself and seeking mine.

How is it that life can get so busy so quick. How can it be that the things He calls us to can add up so fast and consume our time? All He wants is our time, not our talent. He just wants us to sit, stop walking around Him and just sit, to be with Him and to continue to seek Him. I need to live a life with an audience of one!  No matter who may be around or impacted by my life, it needs to be just one.

If we truly encountered this holy love then we would not be playing the grace card to do whatever we wanted. We wouldn’t struggle to spend time with Him. How can we have a hard time wanting to be with the best person ever? The most loving, kind, tender, holy, fire, pure, how can you not want to be with such?

God asked me a question not too long ago. He said if I chose to do nothing but be with you and  never again lead you to do anything, or reach out to anyone would that be OK? Before I tell you my response I want to attempt to express the amazing heart that He was being revealed to me.  The amazing truth that deep quality time with me was more important than anything else. I want to put the emphasis on deep quality time. Not just a little time here and there but a deep long quality time.  I was surprised by my response.  I didn’t realize my heart held such an answer. My response to this amazing question was this; you will get bored with me. I will NEVER get bored with you! I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the truth that He loves me so much as to never get bored with me.

The deeper you find yourself in His love, the more you will find yourself walking in the fear of the Lord. You will find yourself walking deeper and deeper in to His heart were the fire is, a true encounter.

I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol but I have been addicted to approval. The more I find Him and listen to when He calls me away, the more I find myself no longer addicted to approval but to Him. I go only a few hours and I feel like I will break down if I don’t get a way and see Him. If I’m not soaking in His presence my heart becomes anxious and my chest tightens up. I can’t breathe without Him. This is one addiction that I’m glad I have and never want to get rid of. To be utterly lost and in love with the one who infinitely loves me. I’m just now starting to learn what it means to have a living life rather than a dying one.

Heart Check

It's so hard to post anything on this blog anymore because I'm constantly reminded of were I so desperately want to be, but there is something on my heart that Ive been thinking about this week and I have to share it.

Everyone lives with preconceived ideas. Before we ever do anything there is always an idea of how things will pan out. Not only in situations do we have preconceived notions but also towards people, it is why stereotypes are so common.

This was one thing that was very hard while in Africa. I had to fight against my own preconceived ideas towards others and was constantly fighting against others ideas of me.  I loved being in Africa and I absolutely love the people, which is why I so desperately want to go back! However I very rarely felt as though people saw Karissa. There was no escaping the fact that I was white and had more money than most, although there were times when I had no money at all. Because of this I found that there were few people who truly befriended me for me not for what they thought I had. 

I had to learn how to love regardless and how to live life as Karissa without any other labels or titles.  I thought coming back to America I wouldn’t struggle with this anymore. No more fighting against preconceived ideas from others, but I was wrong.

I was at the college putting up posters for a Christmas event and strangely felt uncomfortable because many people were watching me. For some reason I didn’t want to be associated with this event, in fact I didn’t want to be associated with the “Christian” circle at all. I had never thought nor felt this way before. I walked away ashamed and started praying. “God I have never been ashamed of you nor am I now, I’m so sorry for having those thoughts. What is going on?” In His grace and mercy I realized that it wasn’t Him I was ashamed of but the thoughts of others towards me. The fact that so many people have preconceived ideas of what a Christian is and that I don’t want to be a part of. I’m me not what others may think I am because of my title.

Just as I couldn’t change the fact that my skin was white while in Africa I can’t, nor will I, change the fact that I’m in love with Jesus and spiritually white.   I fought against preconceived ideas of who I was in Africa and so I will here. It never got easy to walk against the current of deep rooted world views and ideas of who I was and I won’t be easy here. But I know that just as God gave me grace and strength to keep walking against the current and love as He loves there, so He will here in America.

It makes me wonder how God feels when those whom He created with such joy and love have preconceived ideas of Him. When we go to Him because we see a Santa with a big round belly who will give us whatever we ask for. Or when we don’t approach Him because we understand Him to be this powerful being that is waiting to pounce, or this distant being who doesn’t really care.  How we must grieve His heart and Spirit when we forget about Him and are afraid to come. Do we treat Him with such little respect and love as to go on with our day without even saying hi or good morning? How is it that we can forget Him? Wow He is so patient with us, that we would have so many deep rooted world views and ideas of who He is that are so false.  It is because of those ideas that we treat Him with such cruelty. No longer do I have anything to complain about when others don’t see Karissa, when so often Karissa doesn’t see God.