The Cost of Truly Living

Tonight in class we were talking about the cost of true discipleship.  Wow God has rocked my world once more. J We were talking about laying down your rights. It is the very thing God has been teaching me lately.  If I don’t lay down my rights and pick up my cross then how will I see God, and how will I show Him to this world who needs Him? I want to know my God and the first step in doing that is to follow Him (to die to myself). God has spoken to me about a few things that must die and I would like to share them with you, first, my family. It is really hard for me to come to grip with the fact that I won’t see my awesome brother David graduate High School nor will I be able to celebrate and tell him how proud of him I am.  It is hard for me to know that I may never be home again there to encourage, pray for, challenge, and play with my other amazing brother Daniel. It hard knowing that I won’t see my dear sister, whom I miss so much, for a long time maybe even a life time if God calls me to. Kristen if you are reading this, I looked at the moon tonight and remembered our conversations when I was in TX and how we use to talk on the phone and look at the moon together. I miss you sis! It is hard for me to give up the privilege of seeing my mom and dad so happy and living a life of love together.  I look at my cousins and see how they have the great blessing of raising their kids together and having their children know their grandparents, and then I remember that God is calling me to lay that down at His feet, to die to my rights. I’m not saying that God won’t ever give these things back to me but I need to lay them down regardless.  I can’t love my family more than God, I love my family so much but God still must come first.

Second, friends, not just people that are nice to you or make you smile and feel good but real deep friends. May I use the word best friend?  Those who know you so well they can finish your sentences, those who you tell everything to, who get you.   I have lived about 20 years without a best friend my cousins were my friends, and for that I am blessed.  However It is different to have a good close friend, one who is like a sister to you. God has blessed me with this gift, a rare and beautiful blessing. I have a kindred spirit for a friend and she is her with me in Africa. I know that I can’t hold on to her but I must let her go in to God’s hands. I need to be willing to live a lonely but fulfilled life with Jesus where ever He might take me.   

The right of being understood and the right of Nationality, these are things I must lay down. It is hard living in another country, everything that has to do with anything is different and you’re often misunderstood.  It is hard to explain unless you have lived in a different country for some time. I have always felt like I would move and do missions in another country, but I wasn’t ready to live a life time in one until tonight. God asked me “If I ask you to stay here and never return, are you ready?” I realized at that moment that as much as I love it here and am excited to stay for another six months, I was still holding on with the hope of going back home.  I can’t let being understood and living in my own country keep me from seeing God and doing His will.

A title or name for myself, a reputation, these are things that must die as I pick up my cross.  I have wanted for so long to go to school because I felt like I should, that is the next thing everyone does. I didn’t want to look foolish to others. I wanted to feel like I was smart and could do something. But all these things are a smoke screen covering the heart behind it all. All of these reasons boil down to one thing, feeling inadequate and not trusting God that He has created me wonderful the way He wants. Don’t hear me saying education is wrong or bad. I’m saying that for me, I wanted an education out of insecurity and lack of trust in God rather than allowing God to lead me. I must put my reputation at the feet of Jesus and be willing to look foolish to the world or even those close to me, in order to follow God’s leading. He must be number one not me.

Lastly, my life. Am I ready to die for my faith? The life I’m called to is not exactly the safest one.  When put in the face of death will I chose my God or my life? Will I say “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” I hope that if or when the time comes God will give me the grace to stand with Him and die. If He be God and died for me, how much more should I be ready? Again I’m not saying I will die but I’m saying my life must be put in God’s hands.  I can’t worry about my family or those I’m leaving behind. I must trust in God that He will continue to hold them and carry them through.  

Tonight I put all of these things on paper and burnt them at the foot of the cross. As I watched that paper burn I felt strange. I was crying because it hurt to die to myself, more painful than words can express.  But I was also crying because a freedom and joy started to take over. It is true, for the joy set before me I will endure my cross just as Jesus did. Thank you God for giving me this opportunity to die to myself, now give me the grace and courage to die every day from this day forward.

The Next Stepping Stone

So I have been praying a lot and am still in a state of prayer as I am about to walk in to the next season of my live in merely 7 weeks. I feel God leading me to take a step of faith and stay here until July or mid Aug.

While I am here I hope to help in a class room in Massai Land as well as helping in a children’s home called the Tumaini home (hope home). This ministry is ran with a couple who recently had their first beautiful baby girl, they are known as the house parents (the kids call them aunt and uncle.)  Then there are also 4 others who are looked as big brothers and sisters.  While I am here I would be like another mom or big sister to these kids. These kids are amazing! At around four every day the family comes together to do house hold chores. There is one kid named Jackson who asks at least four times to clean the bathroom, it is his favorite job. I have so much to learn about love and servant hood from these kids.  It brings so much joy to my heart as I walk around the base and hear “Karissa, Karissa” as I turn around to see these amazing kids with big smiles on their faces.

I love this ministry because this is not an orphanage but a family. The leaders never want it to become like an orphanage but to always remain a family, which is why the need for staff is so great. Right now we have five kids living in the house but there are so many more that need to be loved. Our hearts desire is to add to our family but as I said this requires more staff.

I feel so blessed that God would lead me to this ministry. My entire life I have wondered, how am I going to be a mother in a different Country? I have always felt God calling me to be a mother to the motherless and have often wondered how everything will work out. I feel like God is finally putting the pieces together and setting the stage for what I could see being my life time ministry.

How can you be praying? I’m glad you asked (hehehe). Please be praying first that God would be continuing to lead me in everything that I do and that I would abide in Him at all times.  Secondly, this is all going to take money, please pray for provision (see chart below). Finally, please be praying that God protects me. I need God to protect my health, emotions, spirit, and body as I continue to fight this good fight.

Monthly budget of $300.00/month
Rent (to live in this home)	$150.00
Food, Emergency fund, Blessing money	$50.00
Travel	$48.00
Offering	$24.00
Drinking water	$18.00
Internet	$10.00
Total	$300.00
Cost of changing plain ticket	$200.00
Subtotal for six months	300x6+200=$2,000.00

Thank you so much for all your prayers and support!!!  God has been teaching me so much and none of this would be possible if I didn’t have the love and support from you. May God bless you as He has me, in order that we might be a blessing.

Trully Living

It has been a while since I last updated my blog, let me share with you what I’ve been up to.  My small group did Sunday Ministry twice. I promised to have videos of the song and skits that my team did for the first Sunday, but I’m sorry I not able to upload the videos that were taken. However the second Sunday we did one of the same skits and took another video, this one you can see on my Facebook page.

We had a Culture night with everyone on the base. This was so much fun! Every Culture broke up in to different groups and was responsible to somehow represent their culture.  We had a feast together before the fun festivities started.  Then some chose to do dances and some chose to do a skit and some chose to do both.  What did the American’s do? Something awesome! J This video is also on my face book page. Please check it out, I think you’ll love it J I know I sure did.

There is a book we have been reading as a DTS called Making Jesus Lord by Loren Cunningham, it is rocking my world. It speaks of laying down your rights and picking up your cross.  All of this, what I’m doing in Africa doesn’t matter if I don’t first know my God.  How do I know if I know Him? The answer can be found with these two questions: Do I love? Do I have a passion for His people? I’m not talking about those who love you back, those close to you, but those who you don’t know, complete strangers even your enemies. It is one thing to have feelings of compaction as you pray or see pictures, but it is a different thing to act. It is a different thing to keep a relationship going. Are you to busy? I know I am…I’m ashamed to admit it but I am. Even when I sit and listen to people here my mind is moving and thinking of all the things that need to get done and how now I don’t have time.  I thought I knew how to love when I was at home, in fact I have prayed before saying “God I know how to love in America, there are schedules and I know how to love with a schedule, I know how to focus on people with a schedule but not here.  Why? How do I love?” You know the truth is God had to take me to Africa to show me that I don’t know how to love at all.  I don’t know Him like I thought I did. I don’t know Him because I don’t have Love in my heart. If I knew Him I would love, for He is love. I don’t want to see Jesus one day and hear Him say “I don’t know you.” I don’t want to say “But God I moved to Africa, told people of you, I even died for you” to only hear those dreadful words “I’m sorry but I don’t know you.”

The only way for me to know Him is to die to myself because it is myself that is keeping me from seeing Him. Until I give up all my rights, until I give up everything to follow Him I will never know Him.  I will never see Him for who He is because all I will be able to see is me.  I may see parts of Him and show that to people but that isn’t good enough, only a part? NO. I want to know Him not see a part. I must die completely at all times. I must give up all my rights and never look back. All this is much easier said than done.  OH God please help me! I cannot die to myself, deny my rights, at all times without you. Please oh please show me you! Dying to myself and denying my rights is not a onetime thing but a continual thing, Lord please give me grace to live this kind of continual lifestyle.

 Back to the book, in Chapter five it gives an amazing poem written by Bill McChesney.  He was an American missionary that was killed for his faith at the age of 28 in the Congo uprising in 1964.  This is what He wrote before He died, It changed me and I hope it does you too.

My Choice

I want my breakfast served at “Eight,”

With ham and eggs upon my plate;

A well-broiled steak I’ll eat at “One,”

And dine again when day is done.

I want an ultra modern home,

And in each room a telephone;

Soft carpets, too, upon the floors,

And pretty drapes to grace the doors.

A cozy place of lovely things,

Like easy chairs with inner springs,

And then I’ll get a small TV-

Of course, “I’m careful what I see.”

I want my wardrobe, too, to be

Of neatest, finest quality,

With latest style in suit and vest.

Why shouldn’t Christians have the best?

But then the Master I can hear,

In no uncertain voice, so clear,

“I bid you come and follow me,

The Lowly Man of Galilee.”

“Birds of the air have made their nest,

And foxes in their holes find rest;

But I can offer you no bed;

No place have I to lay my head.”

In shame I hung my head and cried,

How could I spurn the Crucified?

Could I forget the way He went,

The sleepless nights in prayer He spent?

For forty days without a bite,

Alone He fasted day and night;

Despied, rejected—on He went,

And did not stop till veil He rent,

A Man of sorrows and of grief,

No earthly friend to bring relief—

“Smitten of God,” the prophet said—

Mocked, beaten, bruised, His blood ran red.

If He be God and died for me,

No sacrifice too great can be

For me, a mortal man, to make;

I’ll do it all for Jesus’ sake.

Yes, I will tread the path He trod,

No other way will please my God;

So, henceforth, this my choice shall be,

My choice for all eternity