God has been speaking to me about many things. I wish I had the time to write them all down for you but I don’t so I will focus on one thing that I have been learning. I’m going to do something that I normally don’t do. I’m going to let you in my journal, but before I write my journal entry for you I want to first briefly explain what God is doing in Massai land at the school.
God is moving on the hearts of these children. I’m seeing children who were very quiet in class when I started now yell and shout out answers like no ones business. I’m given the opportunity to encourage these children and tell them they can make it and that they are smart! Not only are they growing by God’s grace in understanding in an educational sense but they are also retaining more of who God is. I can’t fully explain it or even put words to it but I can see the glimmer of hope in their eyes grow every time I look at them. I see God doing something; I’m just not sure what it is. Whatever He is planning it’s great and amazing!
There are times when I get discouraged and my heart breaks. Like when we have to take someone to the Hospital because a girl was raped and now is near death trying to give birth, or when I hear about a child being beaten because he wants to go to school. But I am continuing to hold on to hope that God is here and He is bigger.
Now back to my journal entry, here goes nothin.
Feb. 25, 2012
I could be home right now. I’m really struggling. I have hit the six month mark and it is nearly unbearable. I feel so alone and deeply discouraged. So much is packed in to that statement that I don’t have time to talk about. Everything, culture, missing home, conflicts, the feeling of inadequacy, realizing I can’t make a difference as I can at home, and being completely alone. So much is packed in to all of this as I said but that is not what I want to focus on.
I was having my quiet time and literally crying to God. I started playing my guitar and worshiping because I know the power of worship and the power of refocusing your focus on God. I started improvising and singing what was on my heart. I said “you are the reason I’m alive, you’re the reason that I sing, you’re the reason why I’m here.” I stopped and started praying the God would cause these truths to become more real to me. Then it dawned on me.
I’m not here because of people, I’m not here because of ministries, I’m not here to help or meet a need, and I’m not here to see change, or save people. I’m here because of God. I’m here because He is here. I’m here to find and be with the person of God. I’m here to bring the person of God to people. Not in a common way to the culture. Not by preaching or teaching, house to house evangelism or crusades. I’m here to bring the person of God in an unique way. What a better way to bring the person of God in a different way than through a different and unique person.
I’m here to bring the person of Jesus through my hugs, through affirmation, through encouragement, through serving. I’m here to bring the person of Jesus to those who don’t know Him AND to those who do.
I pray that I will be ok with never seeing change. I’m not here to see change, although I want to. I pray that I will be ok with not seeing change but instead being ok with just bringing the person of Jesus in a different way.
What an honor to work with God in the smallest ways. That He would see me and pick me to work with Him by bringing Him here in a different and unique way. Thank you Lord!
This is worth it! He is worth it! All that I’m going through, all that I’m struggling with is worth it. To be with the person of God and to and bring the person of God, this is worth it!
I hope this encourages you to refocus your heart and focus on God and do your ministry with Him as the fore front of your life. He is the reason, let’s live that way.
